Everything is bullshit...

Let's not sugar coat things. Literally.

I am on day three of what I call, let’s starve out whatever is not going well health wise. Day three of low or no carbs, day three of no alcohol, day three of no processed foods or sugar.

If you know me, you know that I have always been kind of living healthy. I have never eaten a lot of candy, cakes, or processed foods. I mostly enjoy wholesome food and since I have been able to afford it, everything is organic, regenerative, and local and in season. I cook from scratch. I am working out regularly. I meditate. I sauna.

What most women do not talk about is the rollercoaster that is the hormonal life. That most women do not walk around constantly yelling “fuck you, hormones” is quite astounding. And only now the younger generations admit to a certain extent that the monthly cycle is more akin to an emotional roller coaster than something stable and reliable. And that it is way beyond a little bit of PMS ahead of your period, but more a consistent change every week as you progress through your menstrual cycle. Week 1 you are on your period and feel crampy and miserable, week 2 you are feeling great and like you can conquer the world, week 3 you are horny, week 4 you are down in the dumps until you reach full blown PMS with all the pleasantries like bloating and depressive thoughts. Then it starts over. Over and over.

Under no circumstances, you hear that the female hormonal cycle could negatively impact rational thought and behavior. But… it does. As obvious in the above.

I purposefully speak only about women here, because… well, I have no experience as a man, nor do I understand if men go through similar hormonally influenced life phases as consistently as women do. I could research, but this is my substack, and…I prefer to speak about things that I have had experience with.

So yes, no women, even if pressured, would openly admit that the female cycle may negatively impact her ability to function in certain jobs. Yet, even I, who is of above average intelligence and — for a woman — very much non emotional and logical in her thinking style has to admit that I am not free of hormonal influence. I have always been able to communicate better in a masculine style than a female one. Just who I am, I guess. But even I have to admit that hormones rule a big part of my life.

Just the fact that every luteal phase, I feel like I am doomed and everyone is against me is enough evidence. Sometimes this phase hits me as bad as a deep depression where I ruminate on every word I said and every action I have taken overly analyzing what I may or may not have done wrong which could warrant basically everyone in the world to hate me.

I am not exaggerating.

Hormones are big steering agents in my thought process. Sometimes good, often not.

What recently has hit me on my LinkedIn feed is what feels like a conjuring of the alternative kind: menopause consultants offer their services. What the hell is a menopause consultant, you may ask. I did not know either, and do not know much more now, but apparently there is an increasing amount of women who believe the corporate world is unfair to women in their middle age years and the work of consultants is needed. I am just glad they are not calling themselves menopause doulas.

And yes, there are days, where your middle aged hormonal cycle may interfere with your ability to do your job. There are cramps, there is the brain fog, there are migraines, there are aches and pains you may not even know are possible. But my logical mind is already questioning the validity of “menopause consultants” and how they would help the organization? Give women more time off? Offer more support to get medical help? And how is that fair compared to what men get?

I have to be honest, I did not look too deeply into the new profession. I am curious, but sadly not curious enough. There are reasons. Sometimes my curiosity backfires. So I keep it in check.

Recently, m company sent a wellbeing offer letter via normal regular snail mail and I got curious. Usually, these are just what I call corporate spam, but this one said it was specifically for middle aged women and it declared to be an exercise program. Since I like exercising, I signed up online and was promised an exercise kit to be sent to me.

Exercise kit? I should have looked a slight bit harder.

Well, long story short. The exercise kit was a pelvic floor exercise kit and it basically consisted of a pod that you insert (you know where) and you connect to your phone. It is supposed to measure pelvic floor strength and you can use your pelvic movements to play mini video games navigating a dot through a maze.

I am not joking. This is what the exercise is about. Playing video games with your vagina.

That exercise kit lives now in the back of my drawer and I have not looked at it in months.

And yes, I do believe that compared to my mother or the generations before her, I have it much easier. Perimenopause and menopause is more widely talked about. Treatments are more available. All of this is already much, much better than living in shame and silence like women before.

However, do women need more special treatments? When is it time to admit that compared to others whether it is younger women, older women with less issues, and men, there are limitations of what you want and can do? Does equality not mean that we, both men and women, should be held to the same standard? I always fully believed that being successful meant to be successful regardless of my sex. And I have never been a fan of affirmative action or special treatments just because I was a woman.

Apparently, I am still alone in this thinking. Apparently, my sense of fairness and deeply engrained hate for double standards is not longer… fashionable.

As a Director and reasonable successful woman, I would have hated knowing that I go to where I am by lowered standards or exceptions. I want to be rewarded for what I deliver to the bottom line of a company. Not what I carry between my legs.

Which brings me to the real reason why I am depriving myself of sugar, carbs, and my evening wine. Last week, I went to my annual mammogram. A process I deeply hate as it is painful and uncomfortable. This time, it was not just the pain and the discomfort that I have to complain about, this time the results came back abnormal.

Yes, I am one of the many, many lucky women with dense breast tissue and therefore false positives or inaccurate reads can happen frequently. It has happened to me before. Twice actually.

You get called back and you have to get another mammogram and ultrasound. If you fail those, it is off to a biopsy. I have never made it to step three.

For me it is the first time, they actually called the findings “mass”. 6mm. I now have to wait for my next appointment which is a few weeks out. I just decided what you can do to prevent growth if anything bad is in place. So, there it is the reason why I am denying myself my evening wine and the carbs I like eating. It is an attempt to get ahead of what is to come. Like many people from abusive childhood homes, I need to stay in control at all times and this is my attempt at staying in control. Even if it is just magical thinking.

But sometimes we all need a little magical thinking.

I guess.