I had to "invite" two of my four kids (both of them boys) to leave at 18. The oldest one was oppositional and scary. He joined the Navy a few months later and became a different person--responsible and motivated. He's 51 now, master's degree, a terrific husband and father, gainfully employed, and has solid values (despite living in California). Yes, he hated my guts for a few years, but we now have more mutual respect than I could have imagined.
The other one was a serial loser. Couldn't keep a job. Enrolled in school several times with little to show for it. Drug problem (which started with weed at age 14). When I told him he had to leave and to figure it out on his own, it was the saddest day of my life. Was homeless for several months. I resolved that yes, I loved him and wished him well, but no, he couldn't live at home and I wasn't going to pay for more schooling or financially support him. For years I expected a phone call that he had died of an overdose or was killed in a drug deal gone bad. Somehow he found a girlfriend for whom he had to up his game (she now has a PhD and is a professor in a small college). He's 45 now, has a master's in Accounting, owns his home, hasn't used drugs in many years, and works for a large multinational. He's still with the same lady. We talk several times a year and it's fine.
Yes, it's hard to see one's son or daughter make one bad decision after another. But sometime young people DO turn things around, in their own way and their own time.
I've been in this situation twice with nephews (one mine, one my wife's). They were both allowed to live with us a while, one in the 80's, one in the 2000's. For what it's worth here are my thoughts.
You're not doing her any favors allowing her to stay. She hasn't been forced to treat life seriously and won't until she has to. And maybe not even then.
In my case one nephew grew up after a few months. He later married. They remained married for the rest of his life and they raised 2 great daughters.
The other we still pray for. Five years later he's still couch surfing with friends and relatives, sometimes homeless. He has a drug problem and has spent several short stints in jail. We try to stay in contact, hoping for the best but fearing the worst.
No easy answers. But you know what needs to be done. I do wish you the best.
It's a tough thing. She's living the way her mother lives, because that was the example that was set for her, and it's what is familiar to her. That's an explanation but not an excuse. She isn't miserable enough yet to be willing to think about alternatives. Push her out the door. Push with love, but push nonetheless.
We had a fellow in our family that failed to launch. It was in Elyria, Ohio back in the first half of the 1800s. He ended up living in a cabin near my ancestors’ farm and helping out with chores around the farm, when asked. Other than that, he was just existing - no friends, no desires. My family gave him enough to eat so that he wouldn’t starve. He was the younger brother of my great++grandfather (not sure how many greats to put in) and had followed him from Connecticut after my ancestor settled in the Connecticut Western Reserve. More recently, a childhood friend failed to launch. Ambitious coming out of high school, something snapped his first year at Wayne State. He was eventually evicted from his family home and in really rough shape living in a rented room in Detroit, totally depressed, no work, scrounging for drugs. One of our circle of friends thinks he died from an overdose, but none of us know for certain. We only know he disappeared. In my view, his self esteem had taken such a hit that he “self-incarcerated “. I feel like some sort of real incarceration with no access to drugs, but with some sort of therapy would have been his only hope.
Throw her out. That's the only thing that will work.
No conditions like "she has to have a place to go."
Give her a deadline, and tell her that she IS out by that day. If she doesn't do it voluntarily, you and Dad put her stuff in a U-Haul or on the street. The Sheriff can also help if she's having trouble understanding what "eviction" means.
You and your husband have shown her that your boundaries are meaningless, and that there are no consquences when she fails to meet the tasks she agreed to. So now you have to throw her out.
Said with understanding from a friend, but yeah, that's your option.
I had a similar situation, though not as extreme. I laid down the rules and said, "you can follow them or leave." The kids rose to the occasion and our relationships were better than ever. Somewhere deep inside them, they know that you're the one who actually does care and they never forget that.
Sometimes to see the light, one has to feel the heat!
Tough love is just that: tough. Life will remind your stepdaughter that life is equitable and she will get out of life just what she puts in.
Mark Twain said it best: "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way." Your stepdaughter is about to experience this, good and hard.
It is not easy. You have been VERY clear from the get go what is expected, which in itself is great. Not near enough people do that. She is not treating you like family, she is treating you as less than human. What she is doing would NOT work if she was renting/leasing. There are consequences for not being able to do the bare minimum or even be grateful. I have been here several times (with a son) and it never gets easier. The day I realized that my son didn't even see me as a human was a sad day, but also very freeing. Do you want to deplete your money, sanity, relationships that do matter to you as they are reciprocal, and your TIME (which is precious) doing this until you or her are dead? Your life has value and she needs to understand that.
When I was 18, my parents sent me to tech school and told me to get a job.
When I graduated with a B.S. in computer science, I couldn't get a job in my chosen field, so I worked at a feed yard, driving trucks.
I saved enough money doing that to go back to college as a Radiology Tech
Since then,, I've always worked.
On the other hand, my sister-in-law is 30 and has only held down a job as a babysitter at a mother's day out at school. She barely contributes to the house, cleans, and sleeps all the time.
I had a similar problem with my middle child (a daughter). She had college trouble and moved home. I don't accept rent. I insist on chores as a member of the family. She began spending more and more time (and $$) on her social life, and stopped doing any chores. Gave her multiple warnings. Then enforced it, with ~30 days notice.
She leached off of a couple friends, tried rooming with another, and basically suffered for her lack of discipline. But then straightened out, and is now married to a great guy, and in a professional career.
She still has some selective memory about that period. /rolls eyes/
Youngest child (also a daughter) is living at home at this time, but does her chores and works close to full time. (Looking for full time--a bit too selectively IMO, but looking.) She saw how it went down with her big sister.
In less sensitive days I believe this was called a Polish hostage: give in to my demands or I’ll hurt myself.
Brutal honesty is all you have. Make it clear that this is her choice, not yours. It might make you feel better if you give her an “or”. Even though you’ve given her chances: get a full time job and pay us rent on pay day or you’re out on this date. It will help with 11th hour waffling. You can even keep it open so after a week homeless she can come back, have a shower, and go to a job interview.
I have a granddaughter with these same isssues. She's living with a male friend in his parents house and contributes nothing beyond sex to him. Her other and I agreed that "tough love" is allwe can do. Her father is deceased.
"You get out of life what you put into it." Many youths and especially young women just don't understand this.
change the locks. make her ask to get in. make her bang on the door in the middle of the night. maybe you'll get lucky and the neighbors will call the police. see how it goes. if it doesn't work, then throw her out.
Throw her ass out, it’s the only way she’s going to learn!
Thanks for the direct message. It just does not feel good and I am dreading the day.
I understand, but it has to be done, otherwise she’s just going to keep playing you.
I know.
I had to "invite" two of my four kids (both of them boys) to leave at 18. The oldest one was oppositional and scary. He joined the Navy a few months later and became a different person--responsible and motivated. He's 51 now, master's degree, a terrific husband and father, gainfully employed, and has solid values (despite living in California). Yes, he hated my guts for a few years, but we now have more mutual respect than I could have imagined.
The other one was a serial loser. Couldn't keep a job. Enrolled in school several times with little to show for it. Drug problem (which started with weed at age 14). When I told him he had to leave and to figure it out on his own, it was the saddest day of my life. Was homeless for several months. I resolved that yes, I loved him and wished him well, but no, he couldn't live at home and I wasn't going to pay for more schooling or financially support him. For years I expected a phone call that he had died of an overdose or was killed in a drug deal gone bad. Somehow he found a girlfriend for whom he had to up his game (she now has a PhD and is a professor in a small college). He's 45 now, has a master's in Accounting, owns his home, hasn't used drugs in many years, and works for a large multinational. He's still with the same lady. We talk several times a year and it's fine.
Yes, it's hard to see one's son or daughter make one bad decision after another. But sometime young people DO turn things around, in their own way and their own time.
I've been in this situation twice with nephews (one mine, one my wife's). They were both allowed to live with us a while, one in the 80's, one in the 2000's. For what it's worth here are my thoughts.
You're not doing her any favors allowing her to stay. She hasn't been forced to treat life seriously and won't until she has to. And maybe not even then.
In my case one nephew grew up after a few months. He later married. They remained married for the rest of his life and they raised 2 great daughters.
The other we still pray for. Five years later he's still couch surfing with friends and relatives, sometimes homeless. He has a drug problem and has spent several short stints in jail. We try to stay in contact, hoping for the best but fearing the worst.
No easy answers. But you know what needs to be done. I do wish you the best.
Rein in, not reign in.
Yes. Foreigners…
It's a tough thing. She's living the way her mother lives, because that was the example that was set for her, and it's what is familiar to her. That's an explanation but not an excuse. She isn't miserable enough yet to be willing to think about alternatives. Push her out the door. Push with love, but push nonetheless.
We had a fellow in our family that failed to launch. It was in Elyria, Ohio back in the first half of the 1800s. He ended up living in a cabin near my ancestors’ farm and helping out with chores around the farm, when asked. Other than that, he was just existing - no friends, no desires. My family gave him enough to eat so that he wouldn’t starve. He was the younger brother of my great++grandfather (not sure how many greats to put in) and had followed him from Connecticut after my ancestor settled in the Connecticut Western Reserve. More recently, a childhood friend failed to launch. Ambitious coming out of high school, something snapped his first year at Wayne State. He was eventually evicted from his family home and in really rough shape living in a rented room in Detroit, totally depressed, no work, scrounging for drugs. One of our circle of friends thinks he died from an overdose, but none of us know for certain. We only know he disappeared. In my view, his self esteem had taken such a hit that he “self-incarcerated “. I feel like some sort of real incarceration with no access to drugs, but with some sort of therapy would have been his only hope.
Throw her out. That's the only thing that will work.
No conditions like "she has to have a place to go."
Give her a deadline, and tell her that she IS out by that day. If she doesn't do it voluntarily, you and Dad put her stuff in a U-Haul or on the street. The Sheriff can also help if she's having trouble understanding what "eviction" means.
You and your husband have shown her that your boundaries are meaningless, and that there are no consquences when she fails to meet the tasks she agreed to. So now you have to throw her out.
Said with understanding from a friend, but yeah, that's your option.
Yep. I know you are right. I have stuck to my latest message. It is just harder than I thought.
I had a similar situation, though not as extreme. I laid down the rules and said, "you can follow them or leave." The kids rose to the occasion and our relationships were better than ever. Somewhere deep inside them, they know that you're the one who actually does care and they never forget that.
Sometimes to see the light, one has to feel the heat!
Tough love is just that: tough. Life will remind your stepdaughter that life is equitable and she will get out of life just what she puts in.
Mark Twain said it best: "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way." Your stepdaughter is about to experience this, good and hard.
It is not easy. You have been VERY clear from the get go what is expected, which in itself is great. Not near enough people do that. She is not treating you like family, she is treating you as less than human. What she is doing would NOT work if she was renting/leasing. There are consequences for not being able to do the bare minimum or even be grateful. I have been here several times (with a son) and it never gets easier. The day I realized that my son didn't even see me as a human was a sad day, but also very freeing. Do you want to deplete your money, sanity, relationships that do matter to you as they are reciprocal, and your TIME (which is precious) doing this until you or her are dead? Your life has value and she needs to understand that.
Thank you for this comment.
It helps to feel understood.
When I was 18, my parents sent me to tech school and told me to get a job.
When I graduated with a B.S. in computer science, I couldn't get a job in my chosen field, so I worked at a feed yard, driving trucks.
I saved enough money doing that to go back to college as a Radiology Tech
Since then,, I've always worked.
On the other hand, my sister-in-law is 30 and has only held down a job as a babysitter at a mother's day out at school. She barely contributes to the house, cleans, and sleeps all the time.
Given her mom, there's likely a big genetic component under the living with a bad example part. Makes it very difficult to change her.
I had a similar problem with my middle child (a daughter). She had college trouble and moved home. I don't accept rent. I insist on chores as a member of the family. She began spending more and more time (and $$) on her social life, and stopped doing any chores. Gave her multiple warnings. Then enforced it, with ~30 days notice.
She leached off of a couple friends, tried rooming with another, and basically suffered for her lack of discipline. But then straightened out, and is now married to a great guy, and in a professional career.
She still has some selective memory about that period. /rolls eyes/
Youngest child (also a daughter) is living at home at this time, but does her chores and works close to full time. (Looking for full time--a bit too selectively IMO, but looking.) She saw how it went down with her big sister.
In less sensitive days I believe this was called a Polish hostage: give in to my demands or I’ll hurt myself.
Brutal honesty is all you have. Make it clear that this is her choice, not yours. It might make you feel better if you give her an “or”. Even though you’ve given her chances: get a full time job and pay us rent on pay day or you’re out on this date. It will help with 11th hour waffling. You can even keep it open so after a week homeless she can come back, have a shower, and go to a job interview.
I have a granddaughter with these same isssues. She's living with a male friend in his parents house and contributes nothing beyond sex to him. Her other and I agreed that "tough love" is allwe can do. Her father is deceased.
"You get out of life what you put into it." Many youths and especially young women just don't understand this.
change the locks. make her ask to get in. make her bang on the door in the middle of the night. maybe you'll get lucky and the neighbors will call the police. see how it goes. if it doesn't work, then throw her out.