"The German Mother And Her First Child"

How Germans managed to ruin generations after generations of children

My upbringing was very normal for a German. I was taught early on that as a child I needed to stay out of the way of any grown up and that doing my chores was absolutely important. What I was not taught was how to hug someone family member or not. I was not taught how to have open conversations with grown ups. As a kid you were just never at the same level as the adults in the house and you were talked down to. Criticism was often the only interaction.

I was also not taught how to regulate my emotions. Joyful outbursts were too loud. Anger was forbidden. And pain or sadness something to get over quickly. Within seconds. There is a German saying “Indianerherz kennt keinen Schmerz” (Indian hearts do not know pain.) that I heard very frequently as a child. This also meant that as a child you were not comforted by your mom or Dad when you got hurt. There was no comfort for when you were sad. And any emotional need did not really matter.

I always assumed it was just how my family was, but growing up and talking to friends I learned very quickly that indeed it was very common for Germans to be raised like this.

Spoiling a child is like an unforgivable sin for a German.

I have often wondered why that is. And found an answer in a book published in 1934 by Dr. Johanna Haarer “The German Mother And Her First Child”. This book became the ultimate guide for all mothers in the pre-WWII era and beyond. The bible for all first time mothers raising good solid German kids in accordance with Nazi guidelines. Strong kids. Emotionless kids. Kids that are followers. Some of the guidelines? Don’t pick up a baby or kid that cries. Don’t show any affection. Don't give them anything. Or you will raise spoiled brats.

The dark side of raising children. And we all know that the book was probably just the peak of the iceberg and this way of thinking about child raising had been around for much longer.

If you ever met any German that was born in the 1930s and 1940s, the German silent generation and boomers, you will find just that. Hard working people that show no emotions. And… no empathy towards their own family members. None.

Just a week ago my mother in law born in 1937 (who by now is severely demented) cried because she remembered her mom who passed away like 30 years ago. She cried and said: “My mom was the best mom ever. She never gave me anything. I was not allowed to go out. I did not get presents. She gave me nothing. She was such a wonderful mom.”

this is also how my mother in law raised her kids. She gave them nothing. Her kids after a certain age did no longer receive birthday or Christmas presents. Their rooms with all their stuff was emptied and repurposed as soon as they hit 18 and were kicked out of the house. Because, deadly sin ‘don’t spoil your kids’ is so engrained in her. In fact, she goes out of the way to give everything away to other people like family heirlooms or money, so her kids would not get anything. However, she is not shy to demand birthday recognition, cards, and presents for herself. You may think it is Cluster B narcissistic behavior, and it is. However, it has been carefully bred by dark parenting advice promoted in the 1930s.

You would think the book got banned after WWII in 1945. But no, you can still buy it. It has the slightly modified title “The Mother And Her First Child” and some of the upmost disgusting advice was eliminated, but the gist is still the same: Don’t spoil your kids.

What do kids do that are raised that way?

The pass the favor on to the next generation.

Everyone who understands a little bit of global politics and people has pointed out to me in recent years, how oddly Germans behave. How easily it is for Germans to follow rules. And how the German politics seem to play with the German guilt like a fiddle being able to implement sometimes disastrous policies and laws allowing to damage the economy, safety and wellbeing of the German people (mass immigration, green laws, social security systems just to name a few).

It is not surprising when you see that the majority of Germans were raised with a very consistent message: “You are fundamentally bad and you will have to work all your life to make up for it. You do not deserve anything."

It is eye opening when you think about it.